Voldemort's Diary
by Writer of Written Works
Summary: Voldemort's always been known as evil and, though we hate to admit it, smart. But in truth, he's really an ADHD guy who likes to turn people into alfalfa...
1. I Turn Snape into Alfalfa

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or any of the characters or the concept or the story or the plot or the theme or the spells or anything.**

Dear Diary,

Prepare to die. If you make me angry, do not expect to ever see the light of day again.

I am Lord Voldemort, master of all evil. I am the Dark Lord, the Vanquisher of Light, and the Murderer of Many. And you're not. So there.

Yesterday I heard a prophecy. I wasn't really listening. I'm kind of ADHD. Snape told me about the prophecy, but I was eating an apple. What can I say? It was delicious. All I heard was something about vanquishing the Dark Lord. Vanquish ME? Ridiculous! I told Snape to kill the person this prophecy was about, but he said he didn't know who it was. I wanted to kill him, but my mouth was full of apple and when I tried to curse him, it came out more like _"Alfalfa Kadalfa" _and he just ended up with a greenish tinge to his skin and purple flowers bursting out of his nose.

After he overcame the initial shock of having turned into a kind of crossbreed between a human and plant, I made him tell me the prophecy again, since I was done with my apple. He repeated it, and I understood it this time even though his voice sounded funny because of the flowers.

I thought about the prophecy and remembered meeting some guy named James Potty or something. He was married to this lady named Lily Potty, and they'd had a baby named Harry Potty in July. He kind of matched the prophecy! I decided to kill him.

Diary, I'll write to you later, because a Death Eater just sneezed outside of my door, and he probably got germs everywhere so I'd better kill him fast for contaminating my air.

Evilly,

LORD VOLDEMORT

**Author's note: Like it? Hate it? Reviews please! I'll add another chapter soon but I'm kind of doing multiple fanfics at once…I'll try.**


	2. I Ponder my Nose's Absence

Dear Diary,

It's been a few days since I last wrote. I'm going to kill the Potties tomorrow. After that, I'll take my Death Eaters to McDonalds to celebrate. I'll order a Happy Meal with fries, chicken nuggets, chocolate milk, and an ice cream cone! I hope I'll get a Dora toy. Don't tell the Death Eaters; I don't think they like Dora, although he's totally buff. But he really needs a haircut. He looks like a girl. And he sounds like one, too. And he dresses like one. Overall, he's really very girly. But I don't care.

Snape's nose flowers are wilting. I made him water them today. I suggested stuffing soil up in there, too, but he said he had to go to the bathroom and hasn't returned for hours. He went out the wrong door, too: the front door. Maybe he got lost or something.

Oh, well. It's nearly Halloween! I wonder what costume I'm going to wear.

Oh, yeah. I'm going to be busy killing the Potties. Phooey. No candy.

I'm looking in the mirror while writing right now. I'm looking at my nose. Why is it so flat? I guess when I did all this evil stuff, my nose was affected. Or maybe it was the plastic surgery I underwent in an attempt to look like Barney. Either one.

Well, I killed the Death Eater that was contaminating my air. Well, actually, I killed the guy next to him and found out afterwards that the contaminator of my air got away with it. Ah, well. At least someone got killed.

I like it when people get killed.

This is my favorite joke:

Knock-knock!

Who's there?

Avada!

Avada who?

AVADA KEDAVRA!

Hahaha! It is funny because the person gets dead.

Well, I have to go to the bathroom now.

It's my first day out of pull-ups! Can you imagine? I'm a big boy now!

Evilly,

LORD VOLDEMORT

**Author's note: Will add new chapter ASAP!**


	3. I Get Hurted

Dear Diary,

First of all, I'm sorry for not writing for a million years.

Okay, let me explain.

The day I tried to kill the Potties, Harry Potty didn't get dead. But I should start from the beginning.

First, the Death Eaters dropped me off in their Death Mobile. I walked down the sidewalk, passing trick-or-treaters with bags full of candy. I was so mad that they got candy and not me that I stole all of one guy's chocolate!

A random boy told me he liked my costume. I tried to say thank you, but my mouth was full of Milk Duds, so I kind of just burped and looked at him. Apparently my breath was really bad or something, because he got really scared and ran away from me. I continued to the Potties' house.

I found a house that I thought was theirs and ding-donged on their doorbell. A random lady answered. She didn't look like the lady the Death Eaters had told me was Harry Potty's mom, but I took my wand out anyways and told her I was going to kill her. She took a look at my wand, then gave me a weird look and slammed the door in my face. I almost spit out my Milk Duds. Then I realized that the Potties lived right next door.

I saw them though the window. A tall man with black hair, James Potty, was making colored smoke come out of his wand to make the baby, Harry Potty, laugh. Lily Potty came in the room. James Potty scooped up Harry Potty and gave him to Lily Potty. James Potty threw his wand on the sofa and yawned.

I ding-donged on their doorbell, and James Potty jumped from the couch and screamed to his wife to take Harry Potty and run. I waited for a little bit. I wondered if Lily Potty had made any tea cakes I could eat before I killed them until I finally got bored and ding-donged a million times.

They didn't answer. By then, I was so mad that I yelled, "YOU GUYS ARE A BUNCH OF STUPID-O'S!"

I finally just blasted the door away with my wand and killed James Potty really quick. He got dead right away. Then, I walked upstairs and opened the door of Harry Potty's room.

There I found Lily Potty holding Harry Potty in her arms, screaming. I wanted her to shut up because I had an ear infection, so I killed her too. I waved my wand at Harry Potty, but he didn't get dead. Instead, he just got a scar on his forehead.

I got hurted a lot! It hurted very much! I dropped my wand and disappeared. My whole body got gone! I hurted so much, I needed a thousand Band-Aids! But I didn't have a body, so I couldn't get any Band-Aids for my hurtiness. It was not good at all! I felt like I was going to get dead!

Oops. Snape just passed by, and his flowers look like they need to be pruned. Also, his skin is a little brown instead of the green they were before. I have to go water and prune them! I'll just tell you my story really quick before he goes away.

Long story short, I had hurtiness a lot, and my body went away. I was able to possess other bodies, though. It was fun, but I still hurted. Okay. Snape's getting away. I have to water his flowers! Bye!

Evilly,

LORD VOLDEMORT

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: I WILL ADD ANOTHER CHAPTER SOON! THIS IS SO FUN TO WRITE! LOL! PLEASE REVIEW, AND THANKS TO THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN FOLLOWING THIS STORY AND REVIEWING IT!**


	4. Ginny Weasley Writes on Me

Dear Diary,

Hi. It's yours truly again. I watered Snape's flowers. He didn't really seem like he wanted his flowers to be healthy, because he ran away from me when I came after him. I chased him for a while with pruning shears and a watering can, and he finally got out of breath and stopped. I strapped him down to the table and pruned and watered his flowers. I even got some soil up in there! I didn't have a chance to get any fertilizer in too, because when I got back from finding the bag of fertilizer, Snape was gone.

Where was I in my story? Hmm…oh, yeah. I was talking about my hurtiness. It hurted really bad! It still is really hurty! I can feel it in my body, but right now I am writing from one of my Horcruxes: my childhood diary, or, rather, the memory of my adolescent self in the pages.

Do you know what a Horcrux is, diary? I made six! They're parts of my soul, separated from my body and preserved in objects. You can make a Horcrux by killing people. That's what Snape said. He's my bestie.

Anyways, I'm reaching out my memory-arm from the diary to write in this diary! Isn't that neat?

Okay, so do you want to hear my master plan? I'm sure you do! Here goes:

I like killing people. When Harry Potty didn't get dead, I didn't like it. I never fail at killing people! I want Harry Potty to die.

Well, I realized I could possess anything, I think! I possessed the Horcrux diary! While I was thinking of ways to kill Harry Potty, Lucius Malfoy, who by the way was in charge of the diary, although he didn't know it was a Horcrux, picked me up and took me away. I waited inside of the diary (my memory person, that is) until I was shoved into a book and tossed in a cauldron.

After a few days, I was opened. I saw a red-haired girl leaning over me. She looked puzzled. She turned all my pages, then dipped a quill in some ink and wrote. It felt tickly on my pages.

_Ginny Weasley._

_ My name isn't Ginny,_ I wrote.

The girl's eyes widened as her words melted into the paper and mine appeared.

_My name is Ginny Weasley, _she scratched after a moment.

_Good for you,_ I wrote. _Are you familiar with Harry Potty?_

_ No. I do know a Harry POTTER, though._

_ Okay. Good. Show me to him._

The girl stared at the paper a little suspiciously. Then she seemed to dismiss our written conversation as an illusion and slammed the diary shut.

Oh, my goodness! I'm sorry to interrupt the story, but I just saw Snape dart by! BESTIEEEEE! COME BACK! LET ME FERTILIZE YOUR NOSE FLOWERS!

Okay. Got to go. Bye.

Evilly,

LORD VOLDEMORT

**Author's note: Reviews please! And thanks to the followers and frequent reviewers for this story! Also, thanks to Dragon MoonX for the idea about the pruning shears. I had figured Voldy would prune the flowers with his hands, but the pruning shears thing is funnier. XD**


	5. Ginny Kills the Pooping Roosters

Dear Diary,

Hi.

I finally got Snape to hold still long enough for me to fertilize his flowers.

But now I have another problem: his nose breath smells really weird. I tried giving him breath mints, but it didn't work. So I tortured him. I was hoping that his nose breath would be tortured so much that it would smell good, but it didn't work. Snape started screaming a lot and his nose breath came out in big bad blasts. It was not yummy smelling.

Anyways, back to the story of how I tried to kill Harry Potty in his second year of Hogwarts.

Oh, yeah! I'd better fill you in a little. I did try to kill Harry Potty in his first year. Snape told me. But I forgot all about that because once I was drinking chocolate milk at McDonalds and Yaxley told me a funny joke about people getting dead. I started laughing really hard. Then milk came out of my nose. It landed on Lucius Malfoy, who was so surprised, he flung his arm out and whacked me in the nose. That's probably another reason why I don't have much of a nose anymore.

Well, I got so mad after he whacked me that I threw a French fry at him. I missed. It hit Scabior, who fell backwards off his chair, causing Dolohov to fall off of his chair, causing Malfoy to go flying across the room and into a little kid, who tripped over Malfoy. Malfoy's face hit a ketchup packet, which skidded across the floor and hit the back of Dolohov's head. Dolohov had just got up, so he fell again into my chair. I fell out of my chair, skidded across the floor, was accidentally kicked by some lady passing by, and fell out the window.

I woke up in my own house two days later. Snape had fixed me. Except he couldn't fix my memory. I remember everything except Harry Potty's first year.

Anyways, back to the story again. So I sat in Ginny Weasley's school bag for two days, probably because it was the weekend or something. It was super boring. So I'll just skip that part.  
>What happened was Ginny wrote to me again. I told her I was Tom Riddle. That was my name when I was a little kid. She told me she was Ginny. I told her I already knew that.<p>

Well, long story short, she began to trust me. She took me everywhere. I realized that I could make a pretty good evil plan out of her trusting me. So I told her to kill some roosters. I don't like roosters. Once my aunt took me to my grandpa's farm and a rooster pooped on me.

She obeyed me. I was happy. Roosters always poop on me, but now she had decreased the population and the chances of a rooster pooping on me. I love evil plans!

I saw Harry Potty! OMG! He was walking in the hallway! Ginny never gets near him, though. Whenever he's in the room, she shies away. Maybe he smells bad.

Yaxley just came into my room. He said I need to go to my anger management class. Okay. Bye.

Evilly,

LORD VOLDEMORT

**Author's note: So sorry I didn't add this chapter earlier! I totally forgot about this whole thing! :P Sorry, peoples!**


	6. I Am not Snape's Bestie

Dear Diary,

Hi. I'm sorry I haven't written in a long time. You see, I was celebrating the growth of a new flower from Snape's right ear.

It is very pretty and pink but it makes me sneeze. I water it every day, but one time I sneezed so much, Snape got really mad. He said he didn't want his flowers to be watered. He wanted them to die. I started getting kind of sniffly and my eyes got moisture in them, because I thought Snape was not going to be my bestie anymore. Me and Snape got in a huge fight. I wanted to kill him but I was afraid that I would accidentally say _"Alfalfa Kedalfa"_ again and make his nose and ear flowers disappear or something. So I just tortured him a little. That wasn't a good idea, because after that he started breathing his gross smelly flower nose breath all over me again. So I Stupefied him and walked away. I definitely needed a new bestie.

I ran into Scabior in the hallway. I said hi to him. He said hi back! INSTANT BFF-HOOD!

I told him that if he would wake up Snape and take care of his flowers, since I wasn't Snape's bestie anymore, he could be my new BFF. So he did. After a lot of screams, struggles, and flashes of light, Scabior came out slightly miffed and with tentacles growing all over his head carrying pruning shears, fertilizer, and water.

At my anger management classes, stuff is going kind of bad. I can't control myself, or so my counselor, Rookwood, said. I don't like it when he says that! I almost made him dead, but then my chair fell over and I killed a random hamster running around.

I should continue with my story. Okay, so I saw this cat at Hogwarts. She was very annoying and a bit creepy. She kept staring at me with her yellow eyes. I don't like yellow. Yellow reminds me of lemons. Lemons are yucky. So I thought about how I could kill her. I remembered that in Hogwarts, there is a Chamber of Secrets! It has a big scary monster inside that can make people dead! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

I made Ginny release the monster and kill the kitty with it. It didn't work so good, though. The big scary basilisk monster slithered up to the kitty, but then the bathroom next to the kitty started flooding, so the kitty only saw a reflection of the monster's big lemony eyes.

AGGGH! BIG LEMONY EYES! LEMONS! AHHHHH! I was very scared and stressed out. I told Ginny to quick write a scary-sounding message on the wall in blood (she had just strangled more roosters.) so we could get out of there quick. I finally put the big scary monster back in the Chamber and looked some more for Harry Potty.

Will get back to you soon! But I have to use the bathroom.

Evilly,

LORD VOLDEMORT


	7. I Kill Another Hamster

Dear Diary,

OMG! Snape is not my bestie. Life feels so weird now!

I am sad.

Guess what? I figured out whose hamster I killed. It was Rookwood's. He cried a lot when he found out, so I tortured him. That was not good! He just cried a lot some more! It was not fun.

Snape seems to be getting his revenge on me very smoothly. Yesterday, I caught him gossiping to Bellatrix about how I am scared of rooster poop and lemons and still wear pull-ups. I got very furious and tried to torture them both, but at that second I slipped on another hamster. A few seconds later, Rookwood came in and started blubbering about how I'd killed his new other hamster. Ah well. I told him to shut up, but he just cried more.

Back to my story. At Hogwarts, I saw Harry Potty! He walked right past Ginny! OMG! I told Ginny, by possessing her mind, to go talk to him, and she went and said hi. Then she walked away! I was so mad that I spilled ink on her other books.

... ...

...

..

.

Okay...maybe it wasn't out of anger...

Hey, where else do you expect me to use the bathroom in a little girl's school bag?

Forget I said anything...okay, back to the story. Over the next month or something (I never did learn how to read a calendar) I strangled more roosters, wrote with more blood, and petrified a lot more people, plus one ghost who needed to screw his head on more tightly.

Oops! Gotta go! Rookwood needs to give me an anger management class now...

Evilly,

LORD VOLDEMORT

AUTHOR'S NOTE: thanks for the cookies...they were delicious. Two chapters in one day, aren't you lucky?


	8. I Smell Turnips on Scabior

Dear Diary,

Life is still so weird now that Snape is not my bestie.

Scabior is not really suitable anymore.

He smells like turnips.

Turnips scare the living daylights out of me.

Once I was at my Aunt Margaret's farm and I tripped over a turnip. I landed on my nose. It got all mushy inside.

That may be part of the reason I have no nose to this day.

Stupid Aunt Margaret and her turnips.

My family has lots of farmers in it.

I think that's the reason I like evilness and stuff. I really don't want to be a farmer. So I turned to badness.

I caught Snape, Bellatrix, and my new BFF Scabior talking behind my back when we were out on a Muggle killing spree. I heard the words "Voldy" and "lemons."

I am scared.

Very, very, very scared.

I wanted to kill them, but then I caught sight of Snape's nose flowers, which were bigger than his whole head by now, due to Scabior's meticulous care for them. I remembered the bad smell that had come from them those times I'd tortured him and turned around and ran away.

Where was I in the tale of how I tried to defeat the Potty boy in his second year? Oh, yeah.

So Ginny found ink all over her books. If she was curious as to why they smelled so bad, she didn't show it.

I decided I needed to get serious with this killing-Harry-Potty thing. I decided to use Ginny as bait for him to come into the Chamber. It was Bellatrix's idea. She texted me:

OMG ok idea 4 hp's dfeet:

Use ginny w 4 bait: take her in2 chambr + he'll come + res-q her! Then u kill him! :)

Now, that was a good idea! I dragged Ginny into the chamber. It wasn't easy. She kicked me a lot. It hurted.

"Come into the nice fun chamber!" I said to her, trying to drag her away.

"No!" she screamed, scratching me.

"It is fun!"

"No!"

"There are lots of cookies!"

"NO! Leave me alone!'

That left me at a loss for words. If _I _were told I would be given cookies if I went in there, I would gladly go!

Here we go. It was time for my most deadly tactic of all. I took a deep breath.

"If you don't go in there, I'll give you a LEMON PIE!"

She stared at me blankly.

"YOU HEARD ME!" I screamed. "A BIG, SMELLY, JUICY, PLUMP LEMON PIE!"

She tried to run away again, but this time I was able to Stun her and put her on the floor of the chamber.

Now all I had to do was wait until Harry Potty came to me!

!

Okay, now I have to go.

Bellatrix just got a new pet hamster, and I have some revenge in mind…Heh heh heh…

Evilly,

LORD VOLDEMORT

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Sorry for the long absence!


	9. I Get Hurted Again

Dear Diary,

I have a fabulouso plan.

Wanna hear it?

Heh heh heh…

It's…oh; it's…heh hehe hehe…

Okay. Sorry. I just can't stop laughing evilly at the evilness of my plan.

You know how Scabior smells like an evil turnip?

And remember how Snape's had nose flowers?

This is a good plan. Heh heh heh…this is really great. Okay, so what I'm going to do is make Scabior POTPOURRI for his evil smells!

HEHEHEEEEE!

I cut off one petal from Snape's nose and yelled, "_POTPOURRIUS!"_

The petal turned into several jars of potpourri. I will sneakily place them in Scabior's room tonight.

We'll see how this turns out.

So anyways, at Hogwarts, when Harry Potty came to me, he had his orange friend with him. I said hi to him and took his wand away. That was Scabior's idea. He had texted me:

hi bff. U shud take hp's wand 4 protecshun.

-scabbie

So I followed his advice, even though he smelled bad. I could even smell his turnips through the phone.

So anyways, Potty got all mad at me and stuff, so I sent my evil lemony-eyed basilisk after him. He got all screamy. I got kind of bored of watching him run around with the snake behind him so I went on my iPhone and watched some videos on YouTube. They were really funny and made me laugh.

When I looked up from "The Banana Phone Song," I saw that Harry Potty had punctured the snake's lemon eyes! YAYYYY! I was very happy. Now, instead of yellow, they were a yellowy-red!

Then Harry Potty got bitten by the snake and fell on the ground. I texted Snape:

Yay! Hp dying. Mcdonalds when i get bak hom?

Snape sent me a text that told me to Face Time with him, so I closed the You Tube video. He told me to repeat everything he said, so I did. He mostly said stuff like, "I'm going to watch you die!" and stuff like that. Then a big red bird and an ugly hat came in and Snape made me say stuff like, "So this is what Dumbledore is giving to you? A bird and a hat?"

Well, it didn't turn out so well after that. The bird got sad about something and started crying all over Harry Potty's boo-boo. It got better. Then Harry Potty grabbed a fang from the evil lemon-eyed basilisk's mouth and stabbed me with it!

It hurted a lot!

OMG!

Oops. Got to go. I ended up killing Bella's hamster, though not entirely by accident, and now she's in hysterics.

Evilly,

LORD VOLDEMORT

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Want a sneak peak at what happens next? Two words: ALFALFA-SCENTED.


	10. I Smell Evil Smells

Dear Diary,

It turns out I am not so smart as I think.

Remember the potpourri plan?

It didn't really work out the way I'd planned.

So here's what happened. Scabior found all the potpourri I'd put in his room. I heard a really weird girly scream, and he came out a second later.

Smelling.

Like.

ALFALFA.

I was all like, OMG! Why do you smell like alfalfa?

My eyes even got wetted a little bit. That's how bad he smelled. He also smelled like evil lemons underneath.

I had nightmares for weeks afterward.

There is a lot of drama going on in my Death Eater place. First of all, Snape is not being very nice to me. Yesterday, when we were eating Burger King, he ordered me one burger instead of two.

And it smelled like lemons.

Yesterday, we went to the Muggle airport because I like going Muggle places. Guess what? Snape couldn't go. They said that one of the laws of air travel was "No nose flowers." Or something like that.

Snape looked kind of sad, and I wanted to rush over and hug him, but then I remembered that he was not my BFFFL anymore.

I am not too happy.

Also, Bella is mad at me. She said it's because I killed her hamster.

I told her hamsters are for a few years but friends are forever.

She started crying.

I tried comforting her. "He was annoying anyway," I reassured her, patting her back sadly.

That made her cry harder, which was good because I was kind of thirsty. So I stuck my tongue out. It was very salty!

"Wait here!" I told her, and went to my room to pull out my special container of Strawberry Drink Flavoring and went back to Bellatrix. "Stand still!"

She tried to run away, but I made her stand still with magic. I poured the Strawberry Drink Flavoring into her eyes. She started screaming. Maybe it didn't taste so good to her eyes. Snape snorted, and a few flowers fell out of his nose.

Speaking of nose flowers, spring allergies are here. Snape sneezed when we were at McDonald's and his nose flowers exploded. Some of them flew off and into my milkshake. They were kind of chewy. They smelled bad. I tried to torture him, but his breath was all nose-flowery. Why does that always happen? I always try to catch his flowers off guard so they don't remember to smell bad but it never works.

There are only a few flowers left in Snape's nose now. It is quite sad. He keeps sneezing them out. I put a charm on them to make them grow extra much. Guess what? IT WORKED!

Now his eyebrows and ears are starting to sprout flowers! YIPEEEE!  
>The problem is, they smell evil. I told Snape not to breathe anywhere near me, but it didn't work that much because he kept turning all purple and I told him to stop because purple is a girl color but he just fell asleep and fell on the ground.<p>

I don't know what's wrong with him these days.

So! Back to the story of how I want to kill Harry Potty!

Okay, so, like, I got stabbed with the fang and stuff and it hurted. After that, I escaped from my Horcrux (it died—duh) and I kind of just went home. I was kind of lazy. So the next few entries will be about nothing but fun! YAHOOOOOO!

Fun fun fun fun fun!

HEHEHEHE.

OKAY. Bye!

Evilly,

Lord Voldemort

Author's Note: Sorry for the long absence! I have rehearsals for a musical every day, so I don't have much free time! BYE!


End file.
